Swiping apps may be millennials’ preferred way to date, but speaking with an expert, HL learned sites like these could actually be hurting your shot at love! Find out why here.
First things first, when looking for your other half, it’s important to assess what you want in a partner in crime — sounds obvious, but it’s a step many people skip when logging into an app like Tinder. “I think it’s very helpful for that person to say, ‘Here’s what matters,’” Grant told HollywoodLife.comEXCLUSIVELY. “If he likes to go to bed early and you like to go to bed late, it doesn’t really matter — it can be annoying — but it doesn’t predict for a better relationship. Helping people understand those two differences is important.” That’s where dating apps can sometimes have a negative impact — they don’t know how to sort through the important qualities from the unimportant ones.
“I get a little scared sometimes when I see online dating apps and things of that nature that match people on what we call ‘fun stuff,'” Grant explained. “OkCupid is an example, although I’m not trying to say anything bad about them, but they match people on interests. He likes golf, you like golf! That stuff can make for fun dates, no doubt about it. But none of that stuff predicts for good relationships — it doesn’t MATTER.” Grant stressed that if you’re serious about finding a suitable partner, you have to look beyond initial attraction and similarities. “You have to think about what matters and what doesn’t matter,” he told us. “It doesn’t mean it’s wrong for us to both like something, but I don’t want to pick somebody just for that reason.”
So what SHOULD we be looking for? Lucky for us, Grant has some insight. “What matters is stuff like conflict resolution — if you meet someone who’s synced up with you in that area, you guys are going to have a lot less fights, they’re going to be over quicker, you’ll resolve things easier. It’s one of the building block of a good relationship,” Grant said. “It’s important for people to understand THOSE things, and it’s also important for people to understand the things that don’t really matter — like where you like to go on vacation. That doesn’t matter.”
Another quality that can help determine if a relationship can stand the test of time is humor, which makes total sense. I mean, who doesn’t want a partner that makes them laugh? “Humor is number one or two on almost everybody’s list — we want someone who shares our same sense of humor. Life can be shitty, you know? It really can. And if you have a sense of humor, you just ride the waves a little bit easier,” Grant said.
And it turns out, there’s a reason for that! Women actually seek out partners with a sense of humor because, intentionally or not, they’re looking for someone who can handle not only life, but also children, with ease. “People that have a sense of humor and can laugh at their own troubles or failures, are people that can deal with little children and are patient and can laugh at big problems,” Grant said.
“When you think about a relationship, you’re kind of in a fox hole together. And you want to be with someone who has a sense of humor about troubles. So I think there’s something to that. We know it’s important but we don’t exactly know why it’s important. But that doesn’t surprise me at all that happy couples laugh together a lot.”
These findings were part of the results of a new study eHarmony conducted recently on the state of happiness in American relationships. The survey found that couples who are “perfectly happy,” are regularly apart from their partner for work or other reasons, but at the same time they enjoy participating in many activities together. These couples are also found to be optimistic, creative, confident, and sociable. On the other hand, “desperately unhappy,” duos, on average, do not make each other laugh, they have a lack of trust in one another, and they tend to not do things together as a couple.
“We’re going to do this study every year — we’re going to make it an annual thing — because that way we can see what happens over time and learn about trends,” Grant told us. One trend that was especially interesting this time around, and genuinely surprising, is that Millennial men are actually super into their relationships — bet you didn’t see that one coming! “I think that the fascinating thing about this research is that Millennial men seem to be pretty different than the rest. It’s not what we typically think about that group, but they’re really into relationships — they really want to communicate,” Grant said.
“We’ve been told that Millennial people are into their phones and they can’t talk, but what we see from this research is that when they’re in a committed relationship, they do step up, they do communicate, they do go to therapy more than the other groups. And that’s quite a different thing than what I had expected.”
Grant added, “Men in that group, they want to compromise. They still have the same problems everybody else does, in fact they typically fight more than other age groups, but they have a real willingness to work on it. So the question is: is that the result of youth? And will that change over time? That’s why we want to do this every year. If it doesn’t change, then it’ll be a real difference in the way relationships work — I think that’s fabulous.”
Tell us, HollywoodLifers — do YOU think most dating apps are effective?
